The Need for Adoption-Competent Therapists

I don’t think it’s any secret, asking for help is difficult. From my experience and those I’ve connected with, below are a few of the reasons adoptees struggle to reach out for help.

- Although adoption is common it isn’t the norm. The fear of not having our feelings understood is real.

- Experiencing shame or guilt for what we’re feeling or not being able to put words to our feelings can keep us from speaking up.

- We don’t know if we have a right to feel like this. After all, isn’t it our job to make people happy?

- Fear of hurting our parents. Parents of adoptees, please know that generally the hard feelings we feel are not because of anything you’ve done as parents. The feelings and issues stem from a wound and grief so very deep and all-encompassing that most of society literally doesn’t know how to deal with it.

I’m going to share with you one of my few experiences in therapy as an adult adoptee. Sharing this makes me nervous because it requires vulnerability, but the more I travel my journey and listen to others I realize our experiences must be shared to some extent.

A few years back it became clear that I should seek some sort of professional guidance to navigate this roller coaster of adoption. Did I want to go see a therapist? No I did not, but did I think I should see someone? Yes.

Finding an adoption competent therapist is hard in general, but have you tried to find a good one in Maine? What a time. I ended up going to see a therapist who specialized in “Family therapy..” Note to self, if you’re looking for a counselor who specializes in work around adoption, this is not, I repeat this is not the same thing as someone who has experience working with families.

I went to my appointment and met this therapist. She went over the initial information and she collected my background info. After that she asked “How are you feeling today? What’s on your mind?”

Knowing that I was only going to get help if I shared what was truly going on in my life, I said “I’m not good. I’m beyond sad. I’m constantly missing my family. I miss my parents and I constantly worry about them. I miss my brother. I miss my biological mother, her husband and my sister who are thousands of miles away, and I miss my biological side that I haven’t even met.” I elaborated on those feelings and after that, the therapist literally looked at me and said “Don’t you think that since your biological parents gave you up there’s probably a reason for them wanting to do that? Do you think it’s healthy to miss those who gave you up?”

I was absolutely dumbfounded. I was in such disbelief that I just sat there. I must have had the utmost blank expression plastered across my face. I blinked every ten seconds or so with my teeth clenched.

I finally brought myself to say “Before you make assumptions, please know that while some biological parents do want to place their children for adoption that isn’t always the case. For many, that decision has been made for them. More importantly, you reiterating the relinquishment and asking why I’m missing someone who placed me for adoption doesn’t help how I’m feeling at all, nor does it offer any solutions for me to try to feel better.”

At this point she was looking at me confused. She was looking at me as if she had just provided me with the answer to one of the most difficult questions on Earth and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t immediately cured.

After looking at me for a good ten seconds or so she finally said “My husband’s adopted and he doesn’t miss his biological family.”

At this point I knew a few things. The first was that this counselor clearly didn’t understand the root of the problem. The second was that she most likely didn’t have much experience working with adoptees or adoption related issues, and she didn’t treat her clients as individuals.

The next thing I said to her was “I’m not your husband.”

For the rest of the session we sat in an awkward silence and every so often she asked if I had anything else I wanted to talk about. (Of course I didn’t.)

I left as lost as I was when I walked in. I left asking myself these questions.

- Is this the norm for adoptees who do seek help?

- Is this how other members of the triad felt when they’ve gone to get help?

- Why is it when you look for graduate programs in counseling, you don’t find a specialization for becoming an adoption competent therapist? (People usually have to complete their master’s and then continue to a certificate program to become well versed in adoption related topics.)

- How come there are standard wound care protocols for every wound except for the primal wound?